jam on this

2011-12-20T00:16:00.003-08:00

this is my goodbye to you.

we never actually had one.

2011-12-20T00:10:00.000-08:00

i want to write a poem that rhymes
to remember the times
of all the losses that abound
and the sorrows i feel in this town

i walk where we once danced
and now i feel numb
how did we succumb?

you chose such a plain one
and didnt care as i fell undone

often we would stay in your bed
and i didn't say most of the words in my head
but i wanted to

and now you don't want to know
you didn't say goodbye you turned to go
i didn't watch you leave but i cried
and i know how much you covered up
how many times you lied

space is not a real option
it was a cop out
i deserved more than this
i deserved more from you
and now it's just me
me without you.

2011-12-20T00:05:00.000-08:00

i wonder if everyone out there knows my secrets
what it is that plagues me
i feel like the city knows, the people, the scene
i make impulsive decisions
and i don't really regret them
until they really start to hurt me
and in turn bring me down back into the caves
of my sorrow.

deeper than before.
i don't care if you know i'm crazy

i'm not really
i just feel things more deeply than you
and you can take your fear
and see if it keeps you warm at night
i bet it does not.

and i hope you are reading this.
i don't think you are.

2011-12-15T10:21:00.001-08:00

I am lonely.
Please call soon.
I want you back.

2011-12-14T22:31:00.000-08:00

anhedonia.
lost 6 lbs this week.

psychoanalyst and other people

2011-12-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

i purged my every inner pain today during my appointment with my psychoanalyst.
i had worked so hard to hold in tears and keep my emotions in check,
even in therapy.

but today the floodgates opened up and i let the dam break
i cried and let it out but wasn't able to let it go
not yet

i am so functional.
i work so hard.
i do so well in school and work.
i am a good daughter.
i am a good friend.
i am a good lover.

yet i feel so empty in the dealings with myself
i always feel like if someone rejects or abandons me
that i am thoroughly flawed and i hate me
how did i let this happen?
why didn't i do something more, better, different?
would he still want me if i had?
am i not worth anything if i don't have you?

this is obviously where my work lies
and it won't be easy to learn to be angry
with others and not internalize it
point it inward at myself

so the psychoanalyst thought he needed to see me again
usually it is once a week
this time i will see him again in two days.
i really want to make this ok for me.

i can't live so empty and so angry with myself.

2011-12-12T20:34:00.000-08:00

i'm so tired.

and i wish i was the moon tonight.

2011-12-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

i always like space

the cosmos

the idea of stars, galaxies, planets, black holes

infinite darkness

but not this kind of space

i am thinking of you

no matter how many moons you are away

2011-12-12T18:11:00.001-08:00

i am confused.

i really, really liked you.

2011-12-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

what is there to figure out?

what is space?

you said you liked me,

you said you wanted me in your life.

so why change your mind?

i'm not an idiot.

i know what you are figuring

if it's not me or not good

don't bother getting back to me

i know you will want to anyways

when what you were chasing is boring

or what you thought you wanted gets too hard

but honestly, i can't say i will be waiting

i will have to be more guarded

and i have to get past this blow

2011-12-09T16:15:00.000-08:00

we went from hot to cold
and i didn't even realize it
maybe i chose to look past it
either way, it's just not.
i can't understand
how no plans are made
or at least not kept
this is making me doubt myself
and i don't need to be
back to that darker place

you want your space
you aren't sure
well, there you go
have it

2011-11-27T12:34:00.000-08:00

Sweet Caresser,

I've known no such heights of pleasure
Waking me out of my lithium-laden haze
Entwined like writhing snakes
Heaving breasts cupped and bare
Your mouth on mine then to my neck
The top of my head
Hair is pulled and scalps stroked
As passion erupts in waves
Pleasure from below rising up through the depths
As I close my eyes in disbelief
That I am in fact this alive and not asleep
And that it is you, you are my lover

turning 33 on 11/12

2011-11-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

As I reflect back over a year of change one thing shines through the darkness: the root of many of my personal failures is that I have never learned to be okay alone with just myself. I am my harshest critic. I have been needy, desperate, flailing and broken because I have neglected doing my own personal growth. I wish I would have realized this earlier but I need to start taking accountability for this in the present. I'm okay. It should not hurt to be alone with my own thoughts in my room. It does not have to feel like punishment or abandonment if there is not someone there holding my hand and doing my personal self-worth work for me. I don't want to be upset with myself about this obvious oversight. Instead I want to use this moment for growth. This year needs to be my year to be okay with who I am. I am not defined by my job, school, goals, or relationships. I am defined by how I feel about myself and allowing myself to feel.

2011-07-24T03:12:00.001-07:00

im single. and alone.

June 24

2011-06-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

I’ve lived my whole life waiting for someone
To shake me and wake me up
Make me whole
I’ve never been able to breathe easily
To sleep well at night
Knowing that I alone am missing
The pieces that complete a person
I try to fill that hole with love
That love is never quite enough
Later the desperation and longing occurs
Waves of sorrow wash over me
I reach out for a hand to rescue me
But I drown alone
All along scorning the flailing pieces
of who I could never be

at a loss

2011-06-24T18:41:00.001-07:00

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 7

Peter Silberman, The Antlers album "Hospice"

2011-03-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

Almost a year ago to the day I heard a few songs from The Antler's album "Hospice." A year ago I downloaded the song "Two" for free from the band's website. I played it over and over. It seemed to fit the demise of a couple of drawn out relationships that had been abusive and their subsequent lagging and nagging breakups. Yesterday I decided to actually purchase music from iTunes, now that I am an Apple Mac owner, and I decided to buy the "Hospice" album in it's entirety. I am glad that i did. The idea of losing one's lover, to demise of an abusive relationship, or through death really resonates with me. I recently had a cancer scare and proactively chose to have a hysterectomy to avoid later scares related to the cells that had began to change. Over the past couple years, since I have lived in Tucson, I have worked closely with many oncology patients and watched the progression and regression of symptoms and life changes related to cancer firsthand as the nurse in a busy transfusion department. I have lost a few that I considered to be close friends. Listening to this album now has been cathartic. I feel I have shed those sorrowful relationships, my diseased cervix and uterus, and moved forward from the sadness of the deaths of friends taken by cancer. Now I listen to this record and I take away what Peter Silberman had hoped the underlying message of this alum conveys, "a release from guilt."

2010-06-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

everything i thought i knew has fallen apart in a matter of 3 weeks. i think i have to start doing something different. i'm going to try to figure out what that something is.

notoriously lonely

2010-05-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

i find it to be depressing that a person can share thoughts, moments, dinners, and truths with another person--building a deeper intimacy--and then one person says goodbye. it felt so premature. i was just getting to know who he was. albeit, mostly through the stream of nothingness called text messages. but there were some gems shared in real life as well. i thought he was going to be someone special--the next important one. instead, i'm back to the start. nothing lost really, just the idea of finally having someone to do crosswords with in bed on a sunday morning.

coping once again with rejection.

2010-04-13T16:54:00.000-07:00

i must admit that i feel regret
for never moving somewhere glamorous in my 20s
for never having let many people in too close
for never paying my credit cards off
for not calling my aunts, friends, sister more often
for being afraid to say what i really want at the expense of others

my 30s began a year ago.
i learned marriage and i are not compatible
i know i want to continue on with my education.

at what cost? all this school, so few functional interpersonal relationships.

watching austin city limits starring wilco performing songs from their record "sky blue sky"

2010-04-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

i always wanted to be someone's lovely.

i've learned it's okay to be my own lonely.

writing papers, living in the town of almosts
the old pueblo of hot days and cold nights

anxiety and depression rear their familiar faces
and i sit on my couch, walk to my bed continuing the same traces

i've never been like this before
no i always have been this way.

the modern diary, the open books, the writing of papers
the gathering of A's in courses based on theory and research

the lines in my face are setting
the sun always seems to be setting

the nights are always the longest
and i've decided to spend them alone

yet i'd still make room amongst the cobwebs for your coffee mug
and i'd clean the shower if you'd decide to stay a while

2009-12-16T22:01:00.001-08:00

i'm never really all alone
i always have my blackberry right next to me.

a list of people
acquaintances
work friends
former lovers

too bad my blackberry isn't more interpersonally astute

2009-12-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

the most peace i've known in a very long time.

and there are still no definites.

maybe that's alright?

i suppose i could do what it takes to see what transpires.

i've taken bigger risks in the past.

and i'm not really afraid to try.

2009-12-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

i want a white leather jacket.

no fringe.

i'm regrouping. finding my new true north. damn, it is windy.
i get disoriented too easily.

you were right.

the next time you say forever, i will punch you in the face.

2009-12-10T22:38:00.000-08:00

this tornado loves you

2009-12-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

Reincarnation. Reinvention. Starting fresh.

That's where I am today. I lost everything and nothing. I still have a home. A new one, albeit. I have my health. I have my dog, Buddy. I have a great job.
The world is my oyster. I'm just so afraid to pry it open and really see what's inside. I know that I can't keep escaping from my loneliness. That at the root of my loneliness lies my inability to put a container around my emotions. I am pounded by the rivers. I finally chose to find the bank for the first time in 31 years. I'm soggy, cold, and it's still just me.

I'm going to develop an unwaivering adherence to structure. I plan to eat 3 square meals a day (veggie ones), sleep at the same time, wake at the same time. Have a place in my new home for everything.

This isn't my dress rehearsal. I'm not going to just tap dance on stage for smiles and admiration. I don't have to make you love me, I have to fall in love with myself.

2009-10-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

i'm not a superstitious person, but i think someone has jinxed me. I feel like i must have been hexed. what else can explain my deep-rooted emotional insecurity and unhappiness with life? definitely can't possibly be related to personal choices i've made.
i'm going with the hex.

2009-08-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

went to mt. lemmon today. hiked with my dog and paul.

twas a beautiful day.

spoke with lauren on the telephone, mainly about how much we hate hip politics. you know, burning flags to make your friends think you are so anarchist-awesome and different, but really you're just like your peer group and nothing is impacted or changed by your indignant little rantings. (run-on sentences are hip-politics approved)

you'd think by say, thirty, that most people would have it figured out. i'm thirty and i can honestly say i don't know anything. when i was 15, i thought 30 would be so different than it is.

i'm driving to nogales for work tomorrow. hopefully the drug cartels won't kidnap me.

2009-08-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

im starting school for rn-bsn next week, one step closer to becoming a nurse practitioner.

still living in tucson. if things go well, paul and i will be moving to the east coast by may for his job. continental has a hub in newark.

i've been steadily employed by a local home health agency. it's good money but i would like more stability with hours. looking into working at a local hospital.

tucson and i are still not good friends, but we are a bit more than casual acquaintances. i liked it better when i didn't call it home.

lots of decisions to be made and plenty of time to do it. not sure why i always feel pressed for time. trying to not rush.

decision one: spend less time on facebook and celebrity gossip sites (addicted to dlisted) and more time reading or doing something that is actually productive.

anyway, i wish there was more to say at this point, there is, but i don't feel like saying it all right now.

the old pueblo

2009-05-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

life in tucson is slower. really, really slow. i left my friends, family, and job to pursue a new life with my husband. well, he's gone 3-4 days a week and i just started my new job. i hate my new job. i'm dreadfully lonely. he thinks i should read the tucson weekly to find events that i find interesting. i think that's a stupid idea. so, he thinks it's a self-inflicted state. who meets new friends at the salsa festival? at the holy grail film festival? i haven't gone out in weeks. i feel cut off from everything i didn't know i would miss.

this has been very stressful for me. it's also been stressful because he doesn't know how to just let me be anxious or lonely--he wants to advise me and solve the problem when i'm sad. i just need him to be there for me but i don't think he knows how to do that.

i should post the one thing i've done since i've been here--the front landscape. cacti are pretty, but they really aren't much of a substitute for true friends.

i'm married. did you know that?

2009-02-18T21:47:00.000-08:00

short courtship, shorter engagement
and a long marriage ahead.

we're going to puerto rico next week for a belated honeymoon.

i'm very happy.

in the words of buddy the elf....

2009-01-12T14:44:00.000-08:00

"i'm in love, i'm in love and i don't care who knows it!"

the state of the world

2009-01-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

apparently, even the unshakable world of nursing is being affected by the economic
state of affairs. not just at boutique-style hospitals (like where i work) but throughout the country. the good news is that nurses with at least 2 years experience (like me) are pretty safe. unfortunately, new graduate nurses are finding it difficult to get hired. there have been hiring freezes at my job and at most hospitals. luckily, the closer to patient care the better, as nurses have seen very few pink slips at this point.

although this is worrisome, i feel like there's security in what i do. people will continue to have heart attacks and get sick. especially when they are pink slipped.
....i'm one of the many nurses holding out for january 20th.

if there is a heaven

2009-01-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

and if, by chance, cats go there
i hope there is an internet cafe
where cats drink cat nip tea
and read blog feeds
so that you'll know that i miss you.

R.I.P. and god speed, Chappy

1987-2009

brain drizzle

2008-12-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

i buy cheap coats. ones that look good but have loose buttons. i am always amazed when a button falls off. they never return to their rightful spot, instead there's always a collection in my right-hand pocket.

i smoke with my left-hand. i never use my right pinkie to type.

i spend at least $20 per week on creams/elixirs/masks/potions that promise to erase lines in my face. they end up in disarray on shelves in my bathroom after one or two applications. perhaps i should just quit smoking and save my money.

rumination of thoughts. i'm plagued. if i'm not obsessing over you or about you, i just don't know you well enough yet. or perhaps i don't want to sleep with you.

i spend most of my free hours lying on a yoga mat on the floor of my second story apartment. the t.v. on, half-watching, guiltily half-reading a classic victorian novel, half-sleeping and half-waiting for something to happen to me--instead of making it happen myself.

at night my cat randall nestles his nose into my hair. i wonder if he likes the smell of anti-frizz products or if he likes the warmth emitted from a mind that never rests. maybe he just likes my pillow.

i have black-out curtains, a black-out mask, earplugs and a white noise machine. i somehow always forget to turn my phone off. the phone is the enemy of the nocturne.

everybody hates a tourist. maybe that's why i've never left.

i'm scandanavian. almost completely so. at least that's what i proudly claim. however, i'm also 1/16th jewish, and i know all the words to hava nagila. if i'm tired or drunk enough, you may be blessed to hear all 800 rousing verses in broken hebrew.

i never speed dial phone numbers. i challenge myself to dial everyone's phone number from memory. i remember numbers of childhood friends, ex-boyfriends and ones i haven't dialed in years. i theorize this is the secret to my staggering genius.

i woke up at 0300 the other morning. i decided i would jog. i suited up and left my apartment. i ran half a block and realized the 35 degree air hurt my lungs. now i just have sore muscles and more excuses to not run again.

2003--kind of funny, a little cringe-worthy

2008-12-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

we opened for the gossip that night. makes me laugh.

itchy and percocet-stoned

2008-12-21T03:16:00.000-08:00

working the night shift can really play tricks on one's mind.
unless you have, you probably have no idea how these tricks seem to blur reality.

to describe the feeling, imagine drinking 3 martinis and having the sun hurt
every morning on your way home. the sun becomes the nemesis to rest.
and the lines in my face seem to reflect that exhaustion can't be easily undone by
sleeping 6 hours on a tuesday afternoon.

last night, well actually friday night, i injured my back (again).
in an attempt to help an ill, obese 60 year-old woman from her hospital bed to the bed side commode. her legs, cement tree trunks, battled gravity and my back lost the war.

it took 4 people to get her to bed safely. safe for her, tragedy for my spine.
i finished my shift and reported to the emergency department. being on the other side of the assessment, being the patient is surreal. i recounted my description of the events that led me there. the doctor assessed my peripheral nervous function. a battery of questions, me in a backless gown and my scrub pants.

needless to say, i didn't make it to work saturday night, at the urging of my team lead and emergency physician. and at the protest of my own vertebrae. i slept a torrid sleep. sleep plagued by the detached sensation that only percocet and injury can create.

i woke up a bit ago, on the heating pad in my king size tempurpedic bed. my cat on my pillow, nestled in my hair. i had slept for no less than 12 hours. and i couldn't move. luckily i had the foresight to place the percocet and a glass of water on my nightstand.

i heavy-footed myself to check my email in my den. the night sky is still dark. the night sky still heavy, my head becoming more and more foggy with narcotic perception. percocet (oxycodone if you will) makes me itch. i'm scratching.

i ate a cheese and fruit platter and was happy to see a couple replies from a couple of gents that i had hoped to hear from. now, i'm officially opioid-stoned. this post is meandering and i forgot the reasons behind this update.

anyway, i think i'll listen to a couple albums and finish my book. if anyone wants a good read, let me know. i'll give or mail you a copy of the book.

good day moon, good night mind.

esoteric introspection

2008-12-18T22:35:00.000-08:00

How odd is it that this is life? I’m alive, you reading this, you are alive. we breathe, we eat, we poop, we die. We love or decide not to love.

Everything we do or don’t do affects everyone we do or don’t know. Every decision to take action or let action take you has a ripple effect.

The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that I can’t change anyone but myself. That’s something we’ve all heard and probably thought about on some semantic abstract level, or maybe it’s something that you live by—regardless, I strive to live by those words and attempt to understand the magnitude of their meaning.

I’m not a philosopher. i’m definitely not the first person to dive into these depths of introspection.

__________________________________________________________________________________

On a person’s death bed, from a nurse’s perspective, these are the only truths that matter when all the superficial ego layers have fallen away. These are the biggest mind-fucks, the sources of the most regret, joy and anguish.

on another note, i've noticed that every battle on every scale revolves around the answers to these two questions:
“Who is in control?” and “Do you love me enough?”

2008-12-11T00:04:00.000-08:00

i have a list of things i need to do.

if only i had the ability to muster the energy to make the list
and actually do all the things on it.

motivation is a real bitch.

2008-12-09T06:52:00.001-08:00

escapism never hurt anyone

2008-12-08T02:29:00.000-08:00

i want to grow things.

plants--ones with flowers
or maybe exotic spices

i dream of living in a limestone building at the base of the alps.
a window box with an array of greens and soft pastels. or maybe a cottage with a grass ceiling at the foot of a fjord.

i want a backyard. with big trees with wide arms for sitting.
a tree to carve my initials in with a swiss army knife.

i want to hear the sounds of a nearby creek. just outside, beyond the gate.
the gentle lull and gurgle. cold water and smooth stones under my feet after a failed attempt at a barefoot crossing.

i want gray skies so that the sunny skies are never forsaken. i
want to feel the sun break through on a cloudy afternoon and watch
the patterns the shadows of the clouds make in the grass.

there would be birds. blue jays, robins, perhaps a humming bird or two.
and i would fill the feeder with red-dyed sugar water, and perhaps a birdbath for plumage grooming.

i would sit on the porch. half-shaded, shielding my fair eyes. a straw hat on my head and garden slippers at my feet. i would enjoy every minute but welcome the hours passing, drinking tea with extra lemons--ones that i grew in the tree, inside the gate, by the creek.

songs for my dying cat

2008-12-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

Cold Hands Black Lips
Calling and Not Calling My Ex Okkervil River
Melody Day Caribou
Don't Worry Love As Laughter
Nothing Ever Happened Deerhunter
No One Does It Like You Department of Eagles
Last November Lackthereof
Head Rolls Off Frightened Rabbit
He Doesn't Know Why Fleet Foxes
Acid Tongue Jenny Lewis
For Emma Bon Iver
Morning Tide The Little Ones
I Sing I Swim Seabear
Broadripple Is Burning Margot and The Nuclear So & So's
Keep Me In Mind Little Joy
St. Peter's Day Festival Ra Ra Riot
Where Do You Run to? Vivian Girls
In the New Year The Walkmen
Lost Coastlines Okkervil River
When Your Mind's Made Up Glen Hansard
Brother Annuals
Cocaine Lights Phosphorescent
Anne Elephant Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
Scent Pinback
Lately The Helio Sequence
New Year's Day Ben Sadock
All Fires Swan Lake
Flowers New Ruins

"acid tongue" jenny lewis

2008-12-07T07:13:00.000-08:00

Cause I've been down to Dixie
and dropped acid on my tongue
dripped upon the land til enough was enough
I was a little bit lighter and
adventure on my sleeve
I was a little drunk and looking for company
So I found myself a sweetheart
with the softest of hands
we were unlucky in love but I'd do it all again

we built ourselves a fire
we built ourselves a fire
you know I am a liar
you know I am a liar

and you don't know what I've done

and by the rollin' river
is exactly where I was
there was no snake or cure for unlucky in love
to be lonely is a habit
like smoking or taking drugs
and I've quit them both
but man, was it rough

and now I am tired
it just made me tired
let's build ourselves a fire
let's build ourselves a fire

riddle me this

2008-12-04T21:03:00.001-08:00

if one goes with the flow...

where does one go?

if you let things grow organically, what if you forget to water the plants?

2008-12-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

So there is something magical in the hills of hollywood. specifically, griffith observatory. climbing up to the top, looking over the city, the sprawl, the green, the smog. lying on the ground, breaking twigs between my fingers. trying to make you feel what i felt. at the top of our own private summit. under the trees, under the brown cloud that envelopes everything that breathes.

the loft. the high ceilings, cement walls, 1200 feet of cold cement floors. that's where i wanted to discuss intentions and expectations. sitting on the cold floor. the sounds of downtown blurring our words through the antique windows.
"i have always loved you. i love you."

"but don't think if you move out here you will all of a sudden be my girlfriend."

"you try to get closer, you force it, project and push everything on to me--on to us. as soon as things are going well, you make me want to run from it all."

the 12th story view in the early morning. the tall, illuminated downtown skyscrapers. the empty and lonely buildings left in disarray or in various stages of gentrification. plum wine, parliaments and wet benches. once again my tears fell into a puddle next to the steaming rooftop spa. i looked over the ledge, at the empty streets below and told myself to not let it happen. not again.

i just don't get it? why wait if you love me too? why not want more than maybe someday?

i fear moving there. that i'll want too much. that you won't call. that we won't be anything but two separate people under the same brown cloud. people that once knew each other so intimately, shared secrets and volumes of history. people that have loved one another. i'd still love you.

my longing to be with you isn't enough to make it happen.

dreaming

2008-11-25T17:00:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking about taking a travel assignment.

to los angeles.

for many reasons.

i'm so afraid to leave everything that is comfortable.

everything is so easy as it is.

with this new year it's time to challenge myself.

i think i should.

still me

2008-11-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

november 12th i will be 30.

nothing really feels any different. is it supposed to?

2008-08-18T02:38:00.001-07:00

i have a date tomorrow. with a philosopher.

i'm excited. i'm back.

the reminder/what you are missing

2008-08-12T03:12:00.000-07:00

but you already knew that. there's a part of me that wishes that i would have logged all the emails i've sent to you over the years...the happy, the sad, the crazy, the madly in love. actually, i bet i would me mortified to sit and read all the sentiments of which i daringly clicked "send" in haste. i think i've said just about everything. but somehow there is still more. and for that, i should probably just write this, as a cathartic cleansing, and then choose not to hit the send button. but the sickly, nervous pain in my chest that would always wonder "what if he somehow needs to hear this to tell me he feels the same?" will undoubtedly win out over good sense and logic and once again, you will be engulfed in the tumultuous sea of my words.

i apologize in advance. i hope you are wearing a slicker.

as i've tried to bring to your attention, i've done a lot of growing the past couple years. i've loved, lost, helped people die humane deaths, and watched the sunset by myself. i've read, made new friends, quit drinking/partying, learned patience, and somehow have come out on the better end of such things. in other words, i'm the same in many ways, but i'd like to think my demanding, insecure and childish side has diminished. don't get me wrong, the right phrase at the right time still can throw all my efforts at growth down into the deep ditch i've tried to scale. nonetheless, my point, if brevity at times like this is a virtue: i'm better for it.

i've never had difficulty putting into words what it is that i feel. at times the context and surroundings have been inappropriate, but i always end up saying what it is i am feeling. again, one may argue that my passion-fueled articulation is a curse or virtue. whatever. basically, i want you to know that i didn't set out to knock on your door and dump all the complicated emotions that within me dwell.

i'm glad i told you that i miss you and think about you often. i'm glad that i told you that i want to share a future with you. i'm glad i told you that i love you. all those things are my truth. i'm sorry to have caught you off guard. i know you have difficulty being as blatantly honest with your feelings and spewing them out at 'the right time' or most times. i remember that. i wasn't expecting an 'i love you too,' especially if you aren't or never were there with me. i wish i could read your mind, and the inpatient part of me wants to reach inside your face and make the muscles move to say those words back, as those words would make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. but, as i have said, i have grown. i know that you may not have that same feeling blazing through your mind. i'll be honest it does, and always has, hurt to put myself out on the line and not be met half way, or to not have you reach out and guide me safely back from the edge of love/insanity

when i look at you, my heart literally stops. when you touch me i feel electricity. when i kiss you, i feel the most powerful sensation i have ever experienced--this chemistry with you. i long to feel it again. no one has ever made me feel so alive.

you are so wickedly intelligent, so hillariously silly, so warm, and so thoughtful. your skin, your hair, your eyes, the way your hands feel in mine, i am lost. it's so hard to think about anything else when i am with you but finding a way to be with you...more often.

_________, i want you. i want you to hold my hand on vacation in london, i want to make spaghetti with you, i want to help take care of you when you are old and sick. i want all of that.

i know, once again, that this is a lot to take in. that you are probably beyond overwhelmed and at a loss for words. that's okay. i don't expect sweeping gestures or poetry. a little bit of the ol' 'me too' would be nice, but again, i know not to expect it.

this email may sit in your inbox, unanswered and i'm okay with that. you can read this, get scared and decide i'm crazy. that's okay too. but i want so much for you to meet me there one day. once you are ready to decide what it is in life that you are longing for. that if companionship and love without conditions or pretense is what you lack--i want to give that to you.

realizing you still have feelings somewhere that were once locked or stuffed and watching them spontaneously regurgitate is frightening. i have to admit, it scared me, Ms. let's-talk-about-our-feelings, but i would be more scared if i didn't ever tell you, write you, or try.

i don't expect you to come marching home and buy the farm and ask me to churn your butter. just know that i have considered taking a travel assignment out there, apartment included, to see what may transpire. i could move out there as soon as august. and if you wanted to continue to advance in your career, we could stay there and we could see what would happen. i want you to be fulfilled and happy, and if those are part of the terms, that's great. me, on the other hand, i can land a contract anywhere and i have nothing to lose by going out there and possibly a lot to gain.

i'm okay without you. i just feel better with you. i'd like to try that again. when you are ready.

and, i love you.

mr. hollywood

2008-08-12T02:58:00.001-07:00

you've been deleted. from my facebook. from my phone. hopefully from my memory.

Driving to the coast

2008-08-03T02:02:00.000-07:00

work has been hard. patients seem to keep getting sicker. 50 heart transplants since 2007. a pool of heparin, milrinone, morphine, dobutamine and saline. one after the next, they come in, they get new organs, they go home.

sometimes they die.

i need a break. i'm coming to see you. i want it to be calm, relaxing, and fun. no ongoing talks about where we are going. just moment to moment bliss. nothing more and nothing less. i can't wait to be in your arms. one more time. i hope it won't be the last--but i won't let my anxiety-laden mind ruminate and ruin the present.

i'm broken

2008-07-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

oh my god, is this really what you want?

would you tell me if it's not?

and could you rewrite the plot and come and get us?

are you running away from all that you've been running towards?

fyi

2008-07-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

and i love you.

2008-07-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

2008-07-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

i can't believe the things i wrote in that one letter, a couple months ago, the one that never received a written reply.

i wrote my heart out. i almost severed my aorta in that letter. it's painful to read and to relive the literal beating, pounding rhythm pouring out of my heart and onto the white screen. i swear the screen should have been splattered, bloody, after that email was carved into our history and into my congested and soon to be failing cardiac muscle.

then of course i became a bit impatient, having almost bled to death, so i pushed the subject and begged for you to fix it, fix me?...and, once again, i was made aware that the sentiments weren't shared. i spilled onto the floor, in a mess. a stain on my new carpet. one that wouldn't wash clean.

i persevered. well, first i took a "leave of absence," whatever the hell that meant. then i sent you a message. you responded, and you came to me. in me. back into my heart.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
that's what happened. that's then.
i vow to stay in the present because the past is too beautiful, sickening, and tends to keep me stuck. the broken record of sorrow in my head that became a double-disc collection compiled and mailed to your door. by the girl that pens her name "forever your girl." you know, the one that apparently likes to blog about you, and in effect, embarrass herself.

i read somewhere that you have to give love to get love. i put it out into the universe every day, religiously. i try to surround myself, the non-ego essence of me, in love. i hope that the residual dust of this love blows across the desert and through the cracks in your door. i hope it finds you, makes you feel safer, more complete, and that one day you will decide to finally let it grow. that the fear will subside. that we can be.

bali

2008-07-12T11:10:00.001-07:00

threw my keys in the bowl
"you never took me anywhere,"
i often complained back then
but later i let it go
i tend to be pushy
and you know that i tightly cling

but i want to pad a rice paddy
climb the rocky shores
dodge falling coconuts
umbrellas on the white sand
hold your hand and walk in waist deep
or maybe just get my feet wet

i could do this alone
but i always pictured you there

i'd fly with you to bali
we'd laugh at the monkeys
and dodge rush hour bike traffic
lost tourists in the tropic dusk
"where have you been?" "where are you going?"
they'd ask and we'd smile

we could count the volcanos
and pray to not get sucked in
by the tsunami of our egos
maybe if we're lucky
the afternoon showers
would finally wash away the mucky layers
erase the distance and flush the past

Feed me something

2008-07-12T02:19:00.000-07:00

No more emails or calls requesting
inboxes always empty, no missed calls
the silence and the actions
pull me closer or to set me free
have you said it all already?
I can't remember where we were
you never uttered the words
i waited
my breath held my face was blue
almost the tone of those eyes
the ones that keep me lost
i always wanted you to express
what were the words
behind your loving embrace
but no response, neither then and now
only vivid recollections of the actions
always i wait and never they come
but still i would hold you
as long as you wanted me
just say the word
i would never let go

2008-05-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

eastern europe

2008-05-25T02:48:00.000-07:00

i will be a broad abroad as of monday.

the former eastern block will be graced with my presence.

i will wake up in budapest tuesday. then i'll carve my way
through the vampires, commies, and gypsies and break hearts throughout
vienna and prague.

i should return just short of two weeks. that is, if i don't find love
with a count in a gothic palace deep in the black forest.

2008-05-24T03:35:00.000-07:00

2008-05-24T02:25:00.000-07:00

if an email is sent in a forest and there is no reply or a falling tree, does that email make a sound?

2008-05-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

dear diary,

work is hectic per usual. nurses need 4 hands. oh, and we need a strong stomach.
i've had the pleasure of prepping a heart transplant candidate for a colonoscopy.
basically, he had to drink 4000 cc of clear, disgusting fluid to "flush" his bowels out. i had to dump nearly 3000 cc of liquid diarrhea and i literally dry heaved in the bathroom while attempting to flush and clean the basin. also, when he began throwing up and had junk in his facial hair, i nearly lost it again.

so fucking gross.
seriously. wtf.

anyway, i have to go clear my mind. just needed to vent.

love,
jam

updating from the hospital

2008-05-18T00:28:00.001-07:00

when i write here at the hospital, i can't add awesome pictures of awesomeness.
for that, i apologize.

tonight is a busy night. i have 4 really sick patients. it's so weird to have people my age that have lung cancer. or people that have heart failure at 37. puts things in perspective.

i mean, we are always running around like we have so many important things to do. why are we always running? what are we running from?

i just want to take the time now. my nike shox are wearing thin from all this running. let's stroll

under the ground

2008-05-17T17:13:00.001-07:00

i'm hurting. really hurting. i want it to stop.

st. augustine

2008-05-14T20:44:00.002-07:00

i just awakened from what felt like a fever dream. like the kind you had when you were a little kid--violent, sweaty, and disorienting. then i realized i was in my own bed and fell asleep reading. once i got my wits about me and realized it was 2220, not 1020, i woke up to all the lights on in my place, my itunes playing away, and my cats staring at me. it felt really surreal for a bit.

i guess that this is my life. waking up at weird hours in a panic. checking my emails to see if there's something in one of them to solve all my problems. hoping that i can sleep through at least part of this.

i need to reclaim myself. i need to accept what it is that has happened in my life. i need to detach. i need to move on. i need to just start.

no one can do this for me. no one can make me "better" or make everything feel okay. i have to deal. i can deal with this. i deal with so much worse every night i work. i just need to stop allowing the ruminations to be so haunting.

i signed up with a nursing travel agency this afternoon. i've been thinking about taking an assignment somewhere. maybe l.a., nyc, hawaii, or london. i don't know yet. a recruiter should be contacting me soon. hopefully i won't sleep through that.

i'm going to go drink water. do my pilates and try to get out of this emotional dead end. wish me luck.

let's just pretend

2008-05-14T20:44:00.001-07:00

that none of this happened.

you are pretty good at it. now i'll give it a try.

2008-05-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

Merry Happy • | by Kate Nash
Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

the beginning of a story

2008-05-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

Here, in this vacuum, I no longer smell of bourbon, perfumed oil combining the essence of jasmin and tobacco, or even the ingredients and chemistry of the painful retching before the darkness fell. Here my long blond hair is gold. Literally, it is the gold told of in fairy tales, spun from a mystical wheel. My hands, the hands that wrote torrents and rhapsodies of pop life no longer show the wear of sun worship I’d partaken during most of the 1990s. My eyes, no longer the hue of ground coffee, instead are orbs illuminating the tracers of my thoughts. The sound of my countless suppositions echoes through endless space—space that is both mathematically infinite and confined. I have no more pain and with that, no more zest de vivre. I’m kept lucidly in waiting—for what I do not know, but nonetheless I hang on words and flow with the contemplative waves of my mind. I am yet at peace with the decisions of the course of my life and the episode of death. Instead, I’m waiting for the story to make sense in this grand limbo that is here nor there. All the philosophy I fervently devoured and all the ideals I clung to and made my own could not prepare me for the daunting task sprawling before me. I embark the mission of making sense and piecing together the matter and constructs of my reality and allowing it to rest once I can find the peace that lies within it.

In this anti-space that houses what is left of the being I deem ‘me’; I am appalled at the disgraceful anecdotes surrounding the story of my life and disgusted by the overall disrespect for the dead. Character assassinations carefully constructed to wash away any validity. My supposed friends scrambling, attaching themselves to the glamorous romanticization surrounding my demise. The coat-tail-hanger-on-ers claiming and fighting for pieces of my commodity, my now rising stock. These scraps mindlessly sold to the hoards of cheap naysayers and their low-brow audience. The despicable public scours through the gossip of invented encounters with the flaws of a dead girl’s personality transcribed, edited, and spun into bold print. My story, written to serve the insipid egos of those burnt with jealousy from my evocative flame. Credit was not due, as they don’t deserve to pen or type their renditions and critiques of my story.

Instead of being applauded for the legacy of my work, I’m recalled and disregarded as difficult and jealous. Instead of the scandals I earnestly presented to my public, I am now amongst the ranks of other passed conspirators. Just a blogger of pop culture, perfume, and crazy ideas of political and cultish regimens. Disregarded as mentally ill—compromising all the attributes that go well with the poisoning tarnish and defamation suggested by the words ‘conspiracy theorist.’ Now painted haughtily and as a sad cast off, a pseudo-intellectual dunce with notions of elitist subculture politics and a clever analyst of all things trivial; therefore totally irreverent. It’s nothing short of the smear campaign orchestrated immaculately by both my friends and my mounting foes. Jealousy fueled into a frenzy of cheap shots.

I was real. It really did happen. Now that I’m gone, people are swarming with preposterous smears regarding the events surrounding the end of my life. Was I just paranoid? Did I really make all this up?

i'm at a loss

2008-05-13T01:30:00.000-07:00

i'm tired. work is long. at least i have some tunes going. i'm sending someone down to the cath lab this a.m. she's very anxious and needs me to fluff pillows, needs lotion, etc. sometimes i feel like a less glamorous but better paid flight attendant. in white scrubs.

i can't wait to get back into my bed. now if these next 6 hours will fly by, i will be a happy lady.

and no, i'm not going to review albums or write any obama vanity posts.
i have to go start an I.V. and check an APTT lab.

that's about all.

honestly i'm honest (and proud)

2008-05-12T02:26:00.000-07:00

finding a person with absolute emotional honesty is as rare as winning the lottery. so many people spend so much time dancing around what they feel or what they really mean. we live in a candy-coated society. sweet, sugary exterior and darker meaning, bitterness and intensity hides the truth. lack of authenticity of spirit and intentions seem to be the status quo. it seems like as children we told the truth: "i don't like billy, he's stupid" and we would say it to billy's face. through adolescence and early adulthood--somewhere in that time frame--we learn to tell white lies or half-truths. we learn what is "nice." "i think billy sucks, but don't tell him i said that." behind his back and smile to his face. we would never dare let people know what we really felt. are we avoiding conflict or are we just following some superficial code?

i would pay people to just be emotionally honest with me. i'd bribe them with high-fives and hugs. how hard does it have to be? do i love you or do i not? do i want to be with you or am i not into you? do you suck? are you awesome?

i mean, come on....

i strive to spend each day telling what i mean, showing what i tell. i'll unabashedly wear it on my sleeve. it's not a sign of weakness to be emotionally expressive, it's a sign that you are willing to be honest--with yourself and with the people that matter. i'd rather know that i told someone i loved them instead of possibly dying and have it left unsaid.

once again, life is too short for games. own what you feel. tell people. think about how this could change your life--or on a larger scale--impact the universe.

promise me you will.

dear boy

2008-05-11T00:19:00.005-07:00

the acorn "blankets"

2008-05-11T00:19:00.004-07:00

Oh, the life you lead
Leads you to distraction
Confusing your desires
With voluntary actions

And a hundred thousand destinations
The plans that you've forgotten
And the fruits of all your labor
Are slowly going rotten

And the blanket of the city
Will never keep you warm
And the pages of our history
Are free and truly worn

Oh, the time we need
Is passing every day
You can't blame it on
The words we never say

Oh, the world is love
Strings and chain reactions
Never-ending fires
Heartache and attractions

And the blanket of the city
Will never keep you warm
And the pages of our history
Are free and truly worn

Oh, the time we need
Is passing every day
You can't blame it on the
Words we never say

confessions on a death bed

2008-05-11T00:19:00.003-07:00

work. i have to do that. i just woke up--it's 1530. usually, on the day before my first night of work, i go to bed around 0300 and try to sleep as long as possible. the first night of the 3 nights is the hardest. especially since i've had so many days off. i'll have to jump right back in with 4 patients and do my best to organize their meds/cares. it's a lot to juggle. it is completely trying on every aspect of your body and soul. as a caregiver, i have to go above and beyond the starting of I.V.s and telemetry monitoring--i have to help that pt stay comfortable and help them get some sleep. so many patients have a lot of emotional and spiritual needs that need to be met. their families too. i really have to be there for each of my patients on all those levels. it's very humbling to help a once vibrant and strong 60 year old man up to the bathroom and hear him sob because he doesn't have the strength to pull himself up in bed. to comfort him and to tell him to take it a day at a time, that things will get better--it's a lot. when people are so ill, they tell you things that are hard to compartmentalize. for instance, they tell you the truth about what they have learned in their life. an uncountable number of people have told me their dying regrets and have shared their insight about how to live a life. mostly, people just want more time. and, they wish they had taken the time. they wish they had seen their children grow up. they wish they had loved their wives more--that they would have traveled and relished in the delights when they were young. they tell me they don't want to die. i usually hold their hands and listen. it's hard to be there and give advice about letting go of regrets and living in the now. it's hard not to cry with them...or their children and wives.

they've all told me never to settle. to travel, love, and live in bright colors while i can. that they wish they had painted their canvases with the vibrant colors of love and living to its fullest extent.

thats what i want for us. for you and for me. i want it to be rich pigments and i want it highlighted in dayglow.

2008-05-11T00:19:00.002-07:00

2008-05-11T00:19:00.001-07:00

i can't stop.
i guess i'll just wait.
i'd rather not have to.

when can life happen already?

the blue danube

2008-05-08T23:11:00.002-07:00

to sit with a view
along the mouth of the danube
i'll touch the surface of the water
and dream the vision of the reflection
within the light that dances on the surface
a fleeting flicker of a glimpse of you

we would walk the banks
along the shore and wait for the sun
to drop behind the horizon
the locals leaving their fishing holes
you and me hands held for warmth

we'd watch the river boats pass
the listen to the lull of the gentle current
and we'd know that we're once more
the way we never had taken the time to be
in the soft light of the setting sun

our reflection floats in the gentle flow
and we will choose to join the glow
swimming with the current forever
free of worry and worldy chore
the danube the vessel to entwine our souls

under the blacklight

2008-05-08T23:11:00.001-07:00

i have another secret power--i'm really good at applying eye makeup to my girl friends' before a night out. subtle colors, sleek and precise.

my fellow night nurse anne and i went to carlos o'brien's and then we saw a 2300 showing of IRONMAN. we were, if not anything else, entertained. i mean, it was absolutely ridiculous, the kind of thing that would have been good to watch on the way to budapest stuffed in my coach seat, but we decided attending a late-night presentation was in the cards. not the best hand, but about a 15/21--the house would have won that one.

tomorrow anne and i are going to work out--really hard. she lives next to some fancy gym in north scottsdale. we're going to take a power pilates class, sit in the eucalyptus steam room, and have a green smoothie. this is the gym that all the residents workout at--as it is directly down the street from the hospital. it might prove to be hilarious to bump into some of those guys out of context. they tend to be very foreign, very hairy and most of them are very nerdy. perfect workout eyecandy.

my damn rash is still there. as i'm writing this i am way too aware of the fold of skin in the inner portion of my elbows. not the most pleasant sensation or most sensual of bodily regions. there is absolutely nothing sexy about a rash anywhere.

anyway, i promise i'll update with more substance tomorrow. something about politics, cinematic classics, literary reviews, or maybe about my new favorite kind of pear.

until then mr. internet, hang tough.

(i'll be in my bed reading and itching)

so ir-rash-ional

2008-05-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

i would take a picture of the pink, raised, diffuse rash on my arms but i'll spare you the image. it's not ugly by any means, just very peculiar. definitely one way to freak out a nurse. rashes. ew.

last night was nice. i spoke with a friend for hours on the telephone as she drank a bottle of wine and i attended to my endless pile of laundry. today, if my plans fall through with my best friend in town from chicago, my wine/laundry friend and i might go to a movie. or perhpas try new recipes with her recently purchased convection oven. i've always wanted to know how to make deliciousness happen.

right now i am on the verge of exhaustion...thanks to my enabler friends mr. and mrs. benadryl (for the rash).

i plan to write more often. apparently i've had 666 hits on this journal. for that i'm excited and grateful. it's comforting to know that people are actually skimming the words i type...my thoughts, desperations, and longings. thank you for making me feel a bit special.

i plan to do a lot more writing in the months to come. not just here, but i'd like to bust out a few chapters in my fact-based fiction distraction in need of attention. i'm not the best writer, but i have a story to tell. it is begging for me to tell it. so why would i let it down? i'm a pretty nice lady.

i work again sunday-tuesday. these next couple days will be soothing, then once more i'll be thrown into the uncertainty of unstable cardiac-land. probably will have a fresh post-op transplant or a post-op video-assisted thoracotomy. i just hope that my three work days are challenging but not emotionally exhausting as they tend to be. i really can't take another code or death any time soon. i just want to take care of nice old men that tell me they want a cup of coffee and more morphine. i'll ask them how they like their coffee and they'll unabashedly declare, "i like my coffee like my women--dark and natural." and i'll laugh nervously and blush and run out to tell my cohorts how some creepy old man is trying to take one last stab at love with his death-bed nurse. very flattering, no?

i miss you. be safe. be careful. i hope this made you smile. i hope i helped you, at least with a fleeting smile.

moving pictures, silent films

2008-05-08T01:39:00.001-07:00

Walk Between the Raindrops

A shadow crossed the blue Miami sky
As we hit the causeway by the big hotel
We fought
Now I can't remember why
After all the words were said and tears were gone
We vowed we'd never say goodbye

When we kissed we could hear the sound of thunder
As we watched the regulars rush the big hotels
We kissed again as the showers swept the Florida shore
You opened your umbrella
But we walked between the raindrops back to your door

In my dreams I can hear the sound of thunder
I can see the causeway by the big hotels
That happy day we'll find each other on that Florida shore
You'll open your umbrella
And we'll walk between the raindrops back to your door...

--Steely Dan

i'm made of norwegian, swedish, german and english stock

2008-05-08T01:39:00.000-07:00

animal collective on my itunes is distracting my train of thought. hard to do anything else when listening to most of their bizarreness. let me turn it off real quick and put something more 'soothing' on instead...ahhhh...caribou "sundialing," much easier to think now. wait, i want to hear "california" by rogue wave. there, much better.

i have all this time--to clean, do laundry, organize and weed through my closets, exfoliate, communicate, write the piece i've been working on for months, read books on the list i've never gotten to, dust, clear cobwebs off my patio, plan future trips/work assignments, etc. however, i don't feel up to any of it. instead i'll sit here and vacilate.
_______________________________________________________

i'm plagued by this dull roar of worry in my mind. thoughts like, "you are wasting your time and time is too short for wasting" or "focus on the positive and quit trying to change and manipulate things out of your control." basically, the white noise in my mind has become synonymous with your typical self-help book. i keep trying to take things a day at a time, not worry about the future, not obsess about the past. is it just me or is that next to impossible? at least i know the "right" things to be thinking. not dwelling on the other more pressing topics.

i am trying to ignore the overwhelming pangs in my gut--the ones that tell me that everything i know and have thought about my life has changed. i have to create what's to come. i have to reevaluate everything. it's exciting but i'm paralyzed. i need someone to come step on my toe to wake me from this daze.

i had dinner with friends. i held a two pound chihuahua by the name of poncho. i drank iced tea with extra lemon (have to have the extra lemon), and i decided to type in my blog wearing a toga made from my egyptian cotton sheet. my new nars eyeshadows came in the mail today. my mother bought me new shorts for the dog days of the desert. i stayed occupied and pretty happy during the waking hours.

but now it's late and i'm still awake. late nights, beyond about 0200 or at first waking are the hardest for me--the times in which i feel the most emotional vulnerability. times i want a palm reading or would pay a telephone psychic my first born to tell me what's in store or the best way to handle all the anxiety that looms within. i just started to feel alive again, the ocean breeze on my face, and now once more i am in need of a call to action.

i don't want to ever lose myself again. i have only begun to find myself. under the years of disguises, i'm here...in a toga.

my body is a cage

2008-05-04T19:13:00.001-07:00

that keeps me from dancing with the one i love.

i'm confused. layers upon layers. i have several days off, which probably isn't the best timing in the world, as work tends to keep the mind off of internal noise and turmoil.

i went to los angeles. a lot happened. a whirlwind of which i don't wish to elaborate at this time. discovering the secrets about yourself that you've attempted to cover for years can be exhilirating and very painful. suspense, intrigue, dramatics, all of the above were packed into my short traverse afar.

i'm back. i'm listening to kate nash. something about the song 'merry happy' has a calming and snicker-provoking effect on me.

i'm being patient in the interim. waiting for things to develop or waiting for them to disintegrate. either way, the suspense is killing me.

always cynical, never the cynic

2008-05-04T19:13:00.000-07:00

the jake years are over. how many times have i pictured a life shared with someone and then woken up months or years later to the realization that it isn't happening. it didn't work.

sometimes it feels like i've actually lived that life because i've spent so much time imagining it. to let go of what i thought would be tends to be more difficult than walking away from the person i thought i'd always have next to me.

it's hard to lose your closest friend, confidant, well-wisher. if only i had the gumption to awaken during the times when things didn't fit what i had constructed in my mind and decided to let go then.

i never fail at anything. i go beyond the college try with all things in my life. throwing in the towel actually feels like i've accepted defeat. i need to know that that is okay. this shouldn't have been a battle, there shouldn't have been a win/lose if everything was going well. if we were 'good' together.

the towel has been thrown into the wash, the spin cycle will help loosen the stains. i'll fluff up in the dryer and hang on the line for a while. my own line.

a common misconception

2008-03-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

the average person tends to think that breast cancer is the number one killer of women.

wrong, it's heart disease.

as a nurse working in the specialty of heart diseases, transplant and post-surgical open heart surgery, i can tell you firsthand that many more women's lives are at risk due to cardiac complications. heart disease has an insidious onset. women of all ages are at risk. for example, we have a woman at the hospital in which i work that needs a transplant at the age of 21, due to post-partum heart failure. not everyone with heart disease smokes, is overweight, or leads a sedentary lifestyle. heredity and several other factors leads to the diease--often beginning with hypertension or a silent heart attack. women often do not present with the same symptoms during a heart attack and are in turn not treated. however, the damage and death of the cardiac muscle leads to the complications resulting in congestive heart failure. i suggest all women learn more about their risk factors for the disease and practice preventative heart habits such as routine lipid screenings and daily exercise.

breast cancer kills, but heart disease kills more often.

and it continues

2008-03-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Adrian Hamilton: Why did so many people support the war in Iraq?

In all the discussion of the anniversary of our invasion of Iraq, one question has yet to be asked. Why is that so many people went along with it in the first place?

In one sense, the answer is obvious. The British public has always supported wars at the beginning, before their cost becomes apparent. Whether it was the Victorian adventures in the Sudan, Ethiopia and the Boer War, the sending of troops abroad has always been accompanied by flags, cheers and bunting. That is until the Second World War, when the country itself was threatened by invasion.

But then that is not the atmosphere in which the Iraq invasion took place. The extraordinary thing about this war was that it took place almost without public rejoicing. Millions took to the streets to protest. But there were virtually no demonstrations in support nor an atmosphere of much enthusiasm in Parliament. MPs and commentators supported the war because they supported the Prime Minister. In that sense, the Iraq venture was almost unique in British history in that it was one man's war – Tony Blair's. If he had not insisted on it, there would have been few calls from others to go ahead.

That doesn't explain the poverty of the pre-war parliamentary debate, particularly when you compare it to the Falklands debate, when the enthusiasm for invasion was much more vigorous and widespread, but when every MP standing up to talk felt it incumbent to discuss the issue in grave, and even moral, terms and to consider the options.

It did not happen this time partly because Parliament and the media no longer "do" options. With large parliamentary majorities and the decline in the advisory role of the civil service, there is no discussion of alternatives and wasn't in this case. Even those who favoured invasion as a means of getting rid of Saddam Hussein never looked into what alternatives there could have been, let alone took any interest in the appalling disaster that was the sanctions regime on Iraq over the previous decade. There were voices from the inside warning of the dangers, but in the general mood of war acceptance they were easily ignored.

There is a generational point, too, to explain the contrasting tenor of the Falkland and Iraq debates. New Labour and the post-1997 intake was filled largely with what might be called the "jammy generation", a group that on the whole had had life very easy. Not a few had been parachuted into their seats, most had come from a background in politics, media, advertising and research with a political career in mind. They had views on economics and society, but no particular sense of what was right and wrong in the big judgements. Effectiveness is what mattered and it is still in terms of effectiveness that the Iraq war is almost exclusively discussed today. The people on the demonstrations thought it was a matter of principle and morality. The people inside the Commons, with a few honourable exceptions, did not. Even the influx of women MPs, which some had hoped might alter the framework of debate, didn't and it wasn't only because, being new to the game, they were over-anxious to play by the male rules. The strongest voices against the war among women came from the older generation of Mo Mowlam and Clare Short, not Blair's babes.

But the main reason that so many went along with the Iraqi venture was that they felt no reason not to. It all seemed so easy and so apparently costless. No one expected many casualties, nor a huge burden on the taxpayer. The downside risk was not that we wouldn't win but that we would win too easily and that anyone who opposed the war would thus appear cowardly and anti-democratic. And in their way of thinking they were right. The occupation is now seen as a terrible failure, but the overthrow of Saddam was achieved at relatively little cost. The loss of British lives, in Iraq and in Afghanistan, has been pretty much taken for granted. The same with money. The figures on the expenditure on Iraq and Afghanistan have risen, but at no point in any Budget have they been sufficient to be treated as a constraint on other expenditure.

Of course, the experience of Iraq has put people off the idea of humanitarian intervention. But the main impact has been on the Iraqis themselves, rather than people back home, except in terms of occasional terror.

That is what worries me. I fear the British, in their hearts, still believe our military is second to none and that we can win any war with ease and at not much cost to ourselves. We still have every right, and the overwhelming military superiority, to intervene where we think it fitting; it was only that we didn't get the post-planning correct on this occasion. Next time it happens, Parliament will go along with it, just as it did five years ago.

miss you

2008-03-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

what's up homeboy?

2008-03-19T11:52:00.001-07:00

paris & england, je t'aime.

2008-03-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

and that was how i spent my summer vacation.

happily 'lost'

2008-03-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

every thursday night you will find me in front of my new, expensive television captivated by the latest installment of 'lost.' i'm in love with jack. every time hurley says "dude" i laugh. i think locke is pretty much the best. but lately i really miss charlie (or as i call him, chawlay). so, as an ode to my favorite non-reality show (yes, i also watch 'the bad girls club' too) i present you with kubrick's lost series toys.

a couple weeks back, i happened upon these clever toys. i think the fact that they made sayid look more volumptuous than kate, with her butchy little square body is definitely a selling point. and, how great is it that hurley comes with what appears to be a scale?! i only wish they had made a mr. ecko with his jesus-stick or a desmond with a photo of penny. nonetheless, you can buy them here:http://www.medicomtoy.co.jp/WI/0032.cgi?recno=3197, the set runs for about $90 and they debut in august.

in other lost news, charlie, aka dominic monaghan is debuting his photography collection. apparently since his breakup with evangeline lilly, he's channeled his sorrows into digital art. a couple of the photos are gems, but most of them are very photography 101.

his collection is called "happy accidents"

here's a sample of his work:

To see more or to attend his showing, check this page out: http://digitalfusion.net/news/20080228-01.php

Supermassive Black holes

2008-03-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

"Black holes, Hawking announced, are not completely
black. If one ignores quantum mechanics and invokes only the laws of classical general relativity, then as originally found some six decades
previously, black holes certainly do not allow anything--not even light--to excape their gravitational grip. but the inclusion of quantum mechanics modifies this conclusion in a profound way. even though he was not in possession of a quantum-mechanical version of general relativity, Hawking was able to finesse a partial union of these two theoretical tools that yielded reliable results. and the most important result he found was that black holes do
emit radiation, quantum mechanically.

The calculations are long and arduous, but Hawking's basic
idea is simple. we have seen that the uncertainty principle ensures that
even the vacuum of empty space is a teeming, roiling frenzy of virtual
particules momentarily erupting into existence and subsequently annhililating one another. the jittery quantum behavior also occurs in the region of space just outside the event horizon of the black hole. Hawking
realized, however, that the gravitational might of the black hole can inject
energy into a pair of virtual photons, say, that tears them just far enough
apart so that one gets sucked into the hole. with his partner having disappeared into the abyss of the hole, the other photon of the pair no longer has a partner with which to annihilate. instead, Hawking showed that the
remaining photon gets an energy boost from the gravitational force of the black
hole and, as Hawking realized that to someone looking at the black hole from the safety of afar, the combined effect of this tearing apart of virtual photon pairs, happening over and over again all around the horizon of the black hole, will appear as a steady stream of outgoing radiation. black holes glows.

To give you a sense of the scales involved, it turns out that
when one carefully accounts for all the details, a black hole whose mass is
about three times that of the sun has a temperature of about a hundred-millionth of a degree above absolute zero.
it's not zero, but only just. black holes are not black, but only barely.
unfortunately, this makes a black hole's emitted radiation meager, andimpossible to detect experimentally."
---The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions,
and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory, by Brian Greene

pilgrimage to eastern europe

2008-03-09T14:15:00.001-07:00

Prague

Budapest

Vienna

you will find me climbing the winding streets in the cities mentioned above, may 26 for 10 days. i can't wait to be deep in the heart of central/eastern europe. i've been in love with the folklore of vienna since viewing the 1995 film "before sunrise" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112471/). the gothic castles, the gypsies, the violins in the park, and the narrow cobblestone streets. western europe has it's place in my heart, but eastern europe typifies the european experience. now, if i can just brush up on my czech language skills....

tea time and shower fresh

2008-03-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

tea is my beverage of choice. preferably the loose leaf sort. recently my sister bought me a variety of teas and i purchased unbleached paper tea filters. i've expanded my assortment to include oolong, white teas, black teas, and of course green tea. my favorite tea of the week is peach oolong. it's smooth and light with a peach aroma. very pleasant to sip on my balcony in the shade. i purchase most of my teas from adagio.com. the prices are very reasonable and the choices are many. being that i'm off the juice (because it doesn't mix well with my already questionable mental state) tea has been a delightful diversion.

one more product i love...dr. bronner's soap (http://www.drbronner.com/main.html). it's castille soap at it's finest. vegan formulation, vintage in it's own right. i use the lavendar scented variety. it's light and fresh and does not parch my sensitive skin. it's a great alternative to all the overly pricey and greasy body washes. a little dr. bronner's goes a long way. also, it leaves a nice fragrance in the bathroom.

death of a blog

2008-03-08T19:30:00.001-08:00

i am a fan of the late, great theresa duncan. dubbed the "darlings of the art world." i mourn the loss of a bright light and also mourn the death of one of the great artists of our time--jeremy blake. for those of you that don't know of them, i suggest a google search. they were partners on every level. truth-seeking, creative, and living life to fight the good fight.

they fearlessly took on the church of scientology, dick cheney, voiced the 9/11 truth movement, and even called out beck.their double suicide was blamed on "foile et deux," a condition characterized by growing paranoia shared between two people. An "us vs. the world" stance. according to friends, they secluded themselves and became livid towards everyone. the question are as follows: were they being stalked by scientologists?was the f.b.i. and c.i.a. investigating duncan's "conspiracy theories" or was this another delusion of grandeur?what are the chances that both would go to their graves with the shared frenzied paranoia if all of this was based on delusion?

their suicides left so many questions unanswered and an outpouring of sympathy and whispers of a murder coverup. however, the media and their friends collectively agree that their mental instability was at the root of the couple's demise professionally, mentally and physically. in the months following their deaths, a veil of mystery and intrigue lingers--they both left behind a trail of beautiful and monumental works, but most memorably the legacy and conditions of their death supercede all else.i just hope wherever they are that they found the peace they needed.
http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2008/01/suicides200801?printable=true&currentPage=all http://theresalduncan.typepad.com/

http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/video/2008/historyofglamour_video200801/

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/12/how_well_did_jeremy_blake.html